Reflections on Sobriety
my relationship with drinking, why i decided to stop, and how i feel after two years alcohol free
Content Warning: This essay contains themes of disordered eating and alcohol consumption.
There’s a running joke on this lovely internet that there’s no one more annoying than a vegan. That is, unless, they are a sober vegan.
So, I guess I fall into that category.
Sobriety came at me slowly. It’s something that’s been in the back of my mind for years. I guess I was what they now call sober-curious. But there was always that pesky voice saying “don’t be boring!”. Which in hindsight was so toxic. Being sober is not boring at all.
Like most who grew up in a small town, I started drinking before I could even drive. Drinking in fields behind people’s houses and going to concerts just to drink was the norm for teenagers with nothing better to do. Of course, we can’t forget the parties people threw when their parents were out of town. It was during these events that I started to drink
If you are a millennial, you probably remember the infamous Four Loko. I (disgustingly) would add vodka to my Four Loko to get drunker faster. Thank goodness they stopped selling them.
When I was old enough to go to bars, my friends and I would go out every Friday and Saturday…and sometimes Thursday. We had a nasty habit of pregaming, ordering too many drinks, and ending the night with an Al Bundy (IYKYK). Since we were broke college students, we eventually started to sneak in liquor and made our own drinks a la ice water and MiO. We would hide in bathroom stalls and mix it all together like Professor Utonium creating Chemical X.
Once I entered “the real world”, I thought I had a pretty healthy relationship with drinking. I drank socially, sure, and sometimes got ~too drunk~ but I didn’t feel like I was going overboard (except maybe that one time I drank a bottle of wine on my way to work).
It wasn’t until things started to reopen during the pandemic that I really started to think “maybe I should slow down.”
After years of being in a toxic relationship, I started to use drinking to cope with the feelings that came along with that. Because I already suffered with disordered eating, I would use going out as an excuse to not eat all day, binge brink all night, and then order fast food in the ungodly hours of the night.
Since my confidence was at an all time low (because of said toxic relationship), being drunk became a crutch for me. I didn’t think anyone would find me pretty or interesting unless I was drunk. The unhealthy habits I had developed (and my growing age) led me to get such nasty hangovers…which included throwing up, migraines, and the worst anxiety I had ever experienced. It just got to be too much. The hangovers would last days, the anxiety would linger, and I started to lose myself.
When Ramadan of 2022 came around, I knew that I wanted to change. Usually, I don’t fast from food during Ramadan because of my disordered eating, so I thought I could fast from drinking alcohol for the month. At the time, I didn’t think that it would stick. In fact, I remember waiting for the month to be over so that I could drink again.
I can’t remember exactly when I started to feel better but the important thing is that I did start to feel better. My anxiety attacks happened a lot less frequently, I also noticed that my ED didn’t take up 100% of my brain like it normally did (it was like 75%, which honestly was a huge win for me).
After Ramadan was complete, I started to feel guilty about the idea of drinking again. So, I told myself I’d have a sober summer.
Summer came and went. I started to push myself to have fun without drinking. I had even gotten comments from friends saying “you’re just as fun sober”. Which back then, was a complement. I did not want to be the boring sober friend.
By the time my birthday came around in late September, I had planned to go to Barcelona with my bestie and I was nervous about the prospect of a sober birthday trip. Looking at myself in the mirror, I told myself not to stress about it. If I drink, I drink. If I don’t, I don’t. Well, turned out that Barcelona was extremely sober friendly and I didn’t drink.
After that trip, I knew I could do it long-term.
That first year was hard. Every event or holiday that came up, I stressed about not drinking. What would people think? Would I even have fun? Turns out, it really was not a big deal.
Everyone became more supportive (not that they weren’t before but like myself, they thought I would start to drink again) and I felt more like myself than I had in the last five years.
Since becoming sober two years ago, I started reading and writing again. Which has become a lifeline for me. I truly don’t know if I would have gotten back into it if I kept drinking. I’d like to think that my creativity sparked because I quit.
Another major change I made, is that I started to go to therapy again. It’s been such a wonderful experience replacing my outlet from getting drunk to talking to a professional.
Looking back, I think that this has been one of the best things I could have done for myself. Overall, I feel more present in my everyday life. I’ve let go of the notion that I need to drink to have fun/that I am an interesting person. Plus, everywhere you go has a mocktail on the menu now (it still helps me to have a fun drink in my hand to loosen up).
While I still have a long way to go when it comes to healing, I strongly feel that going sober was what pushed me towards wanting to heal. Deep down, when I was drinking, I wanted to be miserable and I did not want to heal. It’s been hard to accept that and take accountability for that time in my life.
It’s important for me to note that going sober was mostly about me taking control of my own narrative, but I would be lying if I said that religion didn’t play a small part in that as well. Especially since I made this change during Ramadan. I don’t know what that means for me and religion but thats a topic for therapy.
Well, I am proud of myself and I’m excited to see where this goes. Here is to another year sober.
ANYWAYS, I LOVE YOU!
This is my personal story, and I encourage those struggling with eating disorders or addiction to seek support from professionals. You can reach out to therapists, counselors, support groups, or helplines such as the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) helpline (1-800-931-2237) or Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) (1-800-662-HELP).
Always Unedited. Always Unscripted. Mind the grammar.